02.04.20, 21:08

you know, time passes and i continue to wonder about this place. it will hit me out of nowhere. i'll be sitting idly on the couch, watching whatever nonsense the TV decides to spew today, and bam: "i wonder if my diary is still there."

that's usually all i think. but tonight i thought about it, and i checked, and @dangerspouse felt that a pandemic warranted an update...sooo here i am.

if i shared exactly what's been going down these last couple years, you would laugh so hard, you may cry. and i do. daily. because if there's one thing i am somehow blessed/cursed with, it's a life that makes you truly laugh out loud.

in the time between getting half my guts chopped out, i've had my own ongoing health saga involving my own special medical team. i get procedures meant for terminal cancer patients in need of 'palliative care.' they call them palliative for me too...but i'm nowhere near death. i get a tube shoved down my throat (drugged, of course) and drugs injected into my arteries to block the pain emanating from my guts. i've had 5 now and they save me from many a hospital stay. oh, hospitals. i spent so much of 2018 in the hospital i thought i'd change my address. it wasn't good. and 2019 was...okay... except my tonsils grew back (yes.) and i got strep 9x before i called an ENT and said take these fockers back out. again. i got strep so many times that i found my own strep test kits on amazon (they'll truly sell anything) and would test myself before going to urgent care for my script.

what brings you here today
i have strep
what makes you think you have strep
the strep test i took before driving here
are you a doctor
[glances down at outfit consisting of athleisure that's really just glorified pajamas, having also not showered for days] do i look like a doctor? your test. it's positive.
WOW who knew.

anyway, i got them out AGAIN, went through hell AGAIN, and haven't had strep since.

which is great, because in my other spare time, i was becoming a nurse.

shit ya not. a nurse.

i went back to school amidst a personal health...crisis? ongoing crisis? never-ending crisis? to become a nurse.

and i graduated. i did well.

what kind of nurse did i become?

a pulmonary nurse!

i figured go for an area you personally know nothing about. and go to a different hospital to your own hospital. so i did. i became a pulmonary nurse at a nice big hospital in a posh area of new jersey, but not exactly the poshest clientele, and i started learning the new craft of pulmonary nursing, with great desire to use the experience to catapult myself into their icu in a couple years.

this great dream began in march, 2020. it went great, for approximately 10 days. i was doing well, fulfilling my dream, being a Working Mom, so proud, so happy.

and then i became a covid nurse.

me! little 'bag of bones' as my gi lovingly calls me. little ole me found myself at 'the front lines' of a focking pandemic. 2 weeks into my first nursing job.

you genuinely cannot make this shit up.

strep aside, i tend to have a good immune system. in fact, it is such a good immune system, i need MAJOR pharmaceutical buzzkillers to keep it from attacking itself. i take a drug known as a 'biologic' which is really just a code word for pharma to charge my insurance company a gazillion dollars for me to have the pleasure of self-injecting it into my subcutaneous layer. biologics are scarrrry meds, mostly because it's just a tiny vial, and it's only taken every 28 days, (twice the fda approved frequency, mind you), so what's the harm? LORD ONLY FOCKIN KNOWS. and to make matters more hilarious, i also take chemo! not a joke. actual chemo. it's the old stuff...hardly used these days as the leukemia meds have progressed. but for us crohnie's, the concept of blitzing your immune system remains a steadfast treatment approach. overactive? chemo it! chemo not enough? add a biologic!

the chemo plus the biologic plus the lidocaine plus the blocks plus the pain stays at the hospital plus the roids.... my body is a wonderland. of pharmaceuticals. and now i'm a member of the unarmed, barely gowned in ppe forces of a pandemic.

and i laugh.

of courrrrrse i am. i wouldn't expect anything less.

joking aside, this shit's not fun. i certainly didn't sign up for this. but i feel...'the call'...which really was just a desire to work at something 3x a week and make the same money as working 5x a week. but it was a call nonetheless.

and, in true fashion, i'm not really afraid. fear isn't my MO. it doesn't suit me. because frankly, if you must know, i am scared of c diff, and have been since my first clinical, when i received my first ever patient assignment as a Student Nurse, and that patient was there for... c diff. in all of the focking hospital, a large urban hospital... i get the c diff patient. so i've faced my fears, and i can man up. i clench my teeth and squeeze my bones under my paltry skin, and i do not touch anything or get anywhere near my dear patient unless forced. and i face that c diff and its spores buried everywhere. i do it every day.

covid seems to be worse. it's not going well, that's for sure. my poor pulmonary floor quickly got awkward as we moved patients out of there to make wayyyyy for the wave. and it's been a slug ever since. i am afraid. but i am not living in fear. somehow, there's a difference.

so there we go. pandemic be damned, i'm still here.

'Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.'