|
journal
05.11.09stars15:24my current biggest disappointment in my life is that i cannot seem to go a whole week of good, hard work at uni. monday's are always fine...i get up early, get on the bus and trek over to campus. tuesday i tend to get some things done, but never as much as monday. wednesday i usually go, but like feel miserable and depressed. either thursday or friday i just shut down, telling myself i deserve a day off. (i don't). if i give up thursday, like i have today, i go in on friday. but if i go the 4 days, i give up friday. we're talking totally giving up, too. i go to the gym, take my sweet ass time doing weights, and usually spend the afternoon chatting online, 'catching up' on crap internet, watching south park online and watching daytime telly. not to mention the eating. we're talking mindless chomping CONSTANTLY. washed down by diet cola i don't even taste, and then, a few minutes later, puked back up.yes, i realise, while eating a bag of popcorn, that this is a bit absurd. that i shouldn't be doing this to myself. but in my mind, i think, i want to eat. now. i live for these days of secrecy. but the oddest thing of all? i never binged til like, a month ago. in my olden days of ED, i just puked everything i ate or exercised it away, but didn't eat more than 400-700 calories, depending on the day. now? who knows how many calories i'm eating, or how many i'm puking. probably a LOT more than 700, haha. but i never feel that sick full feeling. i just stop when i have to go some where, like back to the gym. meh. it's too much thinking to look at it all this way. i really just get so tired during the week, and feel i will not function in life unless i have a 'relaxing day.' i dunno. i know i can still finish on time doing this, so why change it? oh, and i'm watching the biggest loser. the irony.
before
pink bottles - 24.11.09 - - 12.11.09 bar? - 10.11.09 ibiza craze - 08.11.09 |
|