21.10.09

reverse

10:08

i've spent the week sad and melancholic about myself. i don't feel the confidence i felt weeks ago...it's fading and i slowly feel larger and larger, as if the mirrors are expanding. they're not, i am. at least i think i am. is this my mind? or is this reality? i shouldn't feel this way, but i do. i feel out of control and on edge. i went back on my rehab food plan. yes, i still have it, some 5 years since i was in there. it comforts me to plan out my meals and my exercise. in one way it's very healthy and pro-active. in another way it's a mental decline into the abyss of control, restricting and shrinking. the food plan is perfectly designed to keep my weight stable, but does not include any exercise at all, apart from basic movement. so my logic? try to eat just a tinnny bit under the food requirements, and exercise. it works every time, and once i get really comfortable on it, i just restrict more, slowly losing myself to disorder.

why do i do it? i make excuses. at least i'm not puking, right? at least i'm not cutting myself, right? at least i'm not shoving pills down my throat 18 times a day, right? at least i am semi-functioning, right? at least i'm actually eating, right? i can't help it. these are my thoughts and they cannot be controlled. i feel like a failure...so why should i reward myself with food. why should i continue down this path of 'healthy, sensible eating' when i feel overweight, bloated and miserable? i feel 100% better when i am thin. my mind actually has a purpose. calories...carbs...sugar...servings. i know, it's ridiculous, and it will never be good enough. but this is my true self. when i deny this self, i feel let down. cheated. i hate this feeling, and it must stop.

i realised yesterday that i weigh 40 pounds more than i did when i was sick. FORTY. have i grown since then? no. not up, anyway. so why am i FORTY pounds more? i can't believe it. have i really let myself go?

am i even capable of falling again?


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