9 days left of phd. my macbook decided to fuck itself royally for no reason, and has no internet or sound, so i have been writing the final pieces on a horrific dell piece of shit. it's disgusting, and i haven't had time to take the mac to the shop, so i think i'll just be on it til then. fail.

in any case, i'm going to make the deadline. easily. in fact, all i have left to do is fix a wee section on general theory, won't take another day...then a meeting next week with the advisor, then time to print it and fuck it out the fucking window. or soft-bind it and hand it in like a normal student. i've never hated anything more in my life then that thesis. i'm not proud of it...even though it does look gloriously impressive all perched up on my coffee table right now. almost 400 A4 pages of 1.5 spaced bullshit. if i am actually rewarded the degree of PhD, it will be a disgrace to knowledge.

my birthday was monday. my sister never called me, or texted, or emailed. my brother missed it too, but did send a message the following day, so fair enough. it upsets me, knowing my family is so fractured. knowing that, in the end, none of us really gives a shit about each other. i mean, i do, but something happened when i moved to ireland. it's weird. we just grew so far apart. makes me sad to remember all the good times we had as siblings. and now, how we can go months without saying a single word to each other. i don't know, maybe they talk more often... maybe it's just me who has ended up out of the circle.

it's fine.

as i get older, i realise that family is not a tightly-wound definition. that, yes, you are born into a unit of people and yes, these people function as your family, but they are not necessarily the only ones who are forevermore included under this term. in fact, in my case, most of my 'family' is not really family at all...merely people whom i endured until it became unbearable to do so. is it disappointing? yes. am i forevermore ruined because of it? no.

somebody, or some force, always knew i would need extra support. this was manifested through adult female relationships which occurred at various stages throughout my life. my friend hilary's mom, my female swimming coaches, my dear friends from austin, friends' mothers who took me in as their own. they don't realise the profound impact they have had on my life, but i do. maybe it was a female thing...the maternal instinct. maybe i sought their attention. hard to tell, but i never had a feeling of complete disconnection with that maternal love. how amazing is that? even as i matured, these women were still there. even when i moved to a foreign country, they appeared. probably 30 women were involved in the growth of me as a female. it's extraordinary. each was so different; each offered an individual gift to me. each allowed me to grow a certain aspect of myself, and be okay with that. and the more i mature and reflect, the more loved i feel.

these women are beautiful, strong, and lovely.

they are my family.